I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long. It has been a heck of a journey and it’s still not over. I still have a few things to get through and things will get a lot better.
The disorder I am dealing with is called Trigeminal Neuralgia. It is a painful neurological disorder that affects the face, head and ears. Sometimes the pain can feel like an electrical shock pain. They have been playing around a lot with my meds over the last few months without resolve. It is looking like I may require a surgical intervention. But I need to see a couple of more people before I go back to the surgeon.
The medications caused a variety of side effects for me. No filter, loss of balance. Some days it appeared that I had been on the road with Willy Nelson for a couple of days. I had a bad fall that appears to have damaged a tendon in my arm. So while some people think that I am getting a vacation…this has hardly been one. Doctors, tests, blood work, more doctors, potential brain surgery. And not to mention the depression that comes with this endless cycle.
A few years ago I was diagnosed with something called massive depressive disorder. Basically, when I get the blues, I REALLY get the blues. At the same time I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and OCD. I can say this…OCD…the REAL OCD sucks!! My compulsions are counting and list writing. I know that sounds odd. a couple of lists is fine, but 5 or 10 and then a list of the lists, that’s a problem. I was in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which was very useful. I was able to learn how to stop or at least control the compulsions. Pacing is new. I have started pacing. Some days are really good and some days are really bad. Depression is difficult to get a hold of. It can spiral out of control quickly. This time when my depression got bad, the OCD triggered fast, unlike the last time where it took some time to manifest. I was counting and pacing all over the apartment. Being alone a lot during the day gives your brain a lot of time to follow the rabbit hole to a very dark an unhappy place. Sometimes, it’s just for one day, sometimes it is for days at a time. The days that are ok seem to get further between. You try to laugh or smile, but it becomes physically impossible to become happy. The thought of being artistic or creative eventually seems like an unbearably difficult task to accomplish.
That’s it in a nutshell. I am going to try to get back to writing because I love writing and I love country music. So I am hoping that maybe getting back to this will brighten my spirits. To the artists I have interviewed but haven’t featured yet; I deeply apologize. They will be written over the next few weeks.
I am looking forward to getting back in to the swing of things! Thank you for being patient 🙂